The Comparison Syndrome
Today when I was in my morning Pilates session, there was this younger, thinner, way better-than-me-at-Pilates woman working out on the reformer next to me. I liked her workout clothes better than mine, her hair looked much neater, she had a tinier waste line than me, and she could balance on the Bosu ball like a professional ballerina. Suddenly, I found my mind wandering down this rabbit hole of competition. In my head, I began a full blown conversation with myself: “well I am twice her age and I look great for 40 years old. I am grateful I even showed up for this class given the amount of hours I just worked all weekend. She probably does her easy 9-5 job. She looks like she has an eating disorder.” I mean seriously…. not only did I go way down the rabbit hole, I inserted judgements, assumptions, and a completely ludacris story about someone I had zero information about because I was comparing myself to her appearance. I was suddenly competing to be just as good as someone next to me in the studio in order to prove something…. But to who? And more importantly…. WHY?
I think the most critical part of the situation is that I had the self-awareness to realize this conversation was going on in my head. When I realized what I was doing, I reeled in my thoughts, laughed about it a little, and turned my mindset around. Where in the heck does this comparison syndrome come from? Well, a lot of it comes from old stories and what we think is socially acceptable ideals. In American culture, the models on magazines have perfect bodies, six pack abs, beautiful, smiling families, designer homes, and this must bring them all of the happiness in the world…. Right? How do we gather THAT much information from a photograph? We’ve been bombarded with this information since we were young children. The media, T.V. commercials, and Victoria’s Secret magazines show us what we are told is beautiful, sexy, and what people are attracted to. We take these images and these statements as truth, and we grow up thinking this is what will make us more wanted, accepted, and loved by others. After all, isn’t that what we are looking for as humans? To be wanted, loved, and accepted as good enough and beautiful. How come we don’t think we can be beautifully flawed AND loved?
Well I am here to tell you that the comparison epidemic is total hog wash! If you ask 100 men or women what they think is “sexy” (I have asked lots of males their opinion on this before), I guarantee you that the vast majority of them will say embracing the natural is the most attractive way to be. Loads of make-up, artificial body parts, injections, chemicals, and filtered/ air brushed photography are not REAL. It’s fantasy. I promise you if you actually asked most males if they even noticed women have eyelash extensions or bronzer on they will have no idea what that even means. So why is American culture so obsessed with perfection? If it’s not realistic, attainable, sustainable, affordable, or even considered attractive to most...why are we doing it? And who are we doing it for? What are we trying to prove? And to WHO? I think it all comes back to the comparison syndrome. I want the happy family and the pretty house so don’t I have to look like that perfect model to get all of that? Sadly, most people are not even aware that this is how our minds are working. We want to look younger and skinnier because of an old story that was imprinted into our brain from a young age.
The world is craving connection and that comes from being REAL. The fact of the matter is, people want real and flawed because we can all relate to this. We are not supposed to be perfect cookie cutter robots. We are supposed to be unique with freckles, wrinkles, cellulite, and scars. Those are what set us apart from each other and better yet, are our gifts. Scars tell the story of what we have been strong enough to endure and heal. Maybe cellulite and stretch marks are from when we had babies or started a weight loss journey to become healthier. Freckles and birth marks are pigmented areas of the skin that are perfectly natural and beautiful! Wrinkles are from dancing in the sunshine and years of laughter. Does the Dalmation dog look at the Golden retriever and not play together in the park because one has spots and one does not? Absolutely not. What would happen if the whole world went blind for a day? We were not able to see colors, shapes, sizes, differences. We would all be 100% dependent on each other. We would need to help each other find our way, eat, walk, survive! We would be instantly reminded that humans need each other and are interconnected regardless of appearances.
Social media is playing an enormous role in encouraging the comparison syndrome. We scroll through the feeds and we envy the happy marriages, healthy babies, and successful business owners and wish we could “be like them.” But how do we know by those photographs that any of those people are happy? A snap shot in time tells a split second of a story. But how do we know that the married couple didn’t just have a huge disagreement? Or the beautiful baby cries all night long? I can assure you that as a business owner myself, it does not come without grinding, coaching, and tears. The filtered photograph posted on social media is not always an accurate representation of the story. It is a piece of the puzzle. It tells nothing of the reality, meat and potatoes, or struggles that also came before or after that photograph was taken. We get a little Dopamine hit in the amygdala part of our brain when we get a certain amount of “likes” on a photo/ video post. But what purpose does this serve? Is it a true reflection of who our friends are? Or how much society values what we have to say? Interesting food for thought…
The point of this article is to spark some self-awareness. Instead of comparing ourselves to others, try recognizing and stopping those racing thoughts and old imprinted stories. It all comes back to self-love and acceptance. In Pilates class today, I ended up closing my eyes or looking at myself in the mirror during class. I turned my focus on my own body and how strong, resilient, and powerful it is. I became mindful and present of the different muscle groups I was strengthening and stretching. I was grateful for everything my own body allows me to do… wrinkles, cellulite, scars and all. My body is my own expression of what I define as “beautiful.” The person I choose to be in a romantic partnership with will love this body, mind, and soul exactly for how it is. Regardless of its perfect imperfections or lack of six pack abs.
I challenge you today to try and be more mindful of the way in which the comparison syndrome shows up in the workplace, the gym, and the grocery store. If and when you find yourself doing this, simply become aware of it, acknowledge it, and let it move through you. Try to start utilizing positive self-talk if you are bringing yourself down compared to that “perfect person over there.” I like to put positive affirmations and mantras on post-it notes throughout my house to remind me to talk to myself with love, honor, and respect. No one is perfect. Perfect is boring. All humans have struggles, challenges, and insecurities they are working through in this journey. That’s why we need each other for help and support. I also encourage you to try posting things on social media and then walking away from it completely. Are you posting on social media to share information? Or are you seeking some sort of validation from the responses? It’s time to start looking inwards for this self-acceptance and self-love. Re-write your own story around what is beautiful, sexy, and valuable. After all, “beauty begins the moment you decide to be yourself” (Coco Chanel).