The Art of Saying “No”
Last year, in an unexpected turn of events, I met a man through Facebook that I initially thought was legit my soul mate. The “random” way in which I thought we connected, the easy flow of conversation, and how much we had in common had me falling into the vortex of what I thought was love like Alice in Wonderland down the rabbit hole. Hindsight is always 20/20 of course. As the months rolled on, I started to intuitively sense the red flags, the insecurities, and the gas lighting. Honestly, I had no idea exactly what gas lighting was until this relationship.
Essentially, gas lighting means “to make someone doubt themselves” (Lola Pickett, Mentor to Empaths). I read this amazing article which I highly recommend by Lola Pickett called “Empaths are Easy to Gaslight” and WOW did it resonate with me. I definitely consider myself a true empath which is probably why I became a registered nurse that cares for children and babies. I feel a lot of what other people around me feel and I am very in tune with my intuition.
This man and I had a long distance relationship, which also provided its own challenges. As I got to know him better, I could see how insecure he was in his body image, the traumas he had experienced in previous relationships, and the way he would deflect any responsibility for any of his own emotions. He would derail our conversations, tell me I was misunderstanding him, and when he would apologize he would say “I am sorry YOU felt that way.” Honestly, to be truly vulnerable with my audience right now, I am embarrassed to say that I ignored so many red flags and stayed with him as long as I did. It wasn’t until close girl friends of mine shook me into reality and said… you know you don’t deserve this… right? I am sorry to say that I had been making excuses for him to treat me that way. I was allowing him to cross my boundaries and self-respect because I thought I loved him. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. The way to walk away from toxic relationships like this one is to find the lessons instead of being angry. This man taught me quite a few things, but most importantly how essential it is to take time to get to know someone. The second valuable lesson being if someone shows you who they are the first time…. Believe it to be true. Actions do not lie, words do.
I feel compelled to talk about this issue because of an incident that is similarly occurring in the work place for me right now. It’s a bit of a different situation, but still it revolves around arrogance, narcissism, and manipulation. I believe this issue is a karmic one that I have been studying a lot in this lifetime and forced to self-reflect on. It keeps showing up in my life in different ways (inter personal, socially, professionally) as a major lesson. The lesson is learning enough self-respect and self-love to say “no” and adhere to what I know I am absolutely not available for.
In Buddhism, we are taught that all people that come into our lives are a mirror in some way, shape, or form. People come into and leave our lives at exactly the right timing when the universe deems us “ready.” It is usually a teacher/ student relationship. Looking back, I can see why the guy I described above came into my life. He mirrored to me the ways in which I was still doubting my own self. He taught me about the ways in which I was also insecure about my body and how I needed to go back to the drawing board and learn to love myself deeper. But it was also a lesson in saying “no” and committing to boundaries.
For us chronic self-sacrificing women, boundaries can be so difficult to keep. We want to be people pleasers. We are born to be motherly and it is built into our nature to be “fixers” and want to take care of people. This is not necessarily a bad trait, however when we tip the scale of self-sacrifice over loving ourselves first and establishing strong boundaries, we tend to lose ourselves in the process. We find ourselves allowing partners to do those “deal breakers” we initially said we would never allow. Small habits like leaving dirty clothes on the floor, not making the bed, having that cigarette in the car eventually add up and before we know it, we are allowing people to completely take advantage. We want to be loved, accepted, and wanted so we let the partner borrow money and never pay us back. They test us with the little things and slowly break down the boundaries. It is typically a process that happens over time.
I have found in my own life that I am hardly aware of when this is happening. I put so much time, energy, thought, compassion, and empathy into romantic relationships with men that I find myself giving until I am depleted. I don’t even see myself doing it at the time. In the past, years have gone by in previous relationships and as the bickering and arguing began to outweigh the good times, I found that my cup was empty. So many small things have been swept under the carpet. I have let so many “little things” go. I have given more than I have received. I have allowed my boundaries to be crossed.
It has taken 20 years, multiple failed relationships (including a divorce), professional therapy, and many mentors and coaches to dive deep into a journey of personal development to get to this point of knowledge. These days, it takes me a few interactions or even a single date to recognize the red flags. I can tell by the way a person speaks to me, looks at me, and treats me in those first few physical interactions and intuitively recognize if the person is looking to love me for me or simply get what he/she is looking for. This used to take me months to years (or sometimes not at all) to recognize and become aware of. Now I ask myself, is the person treating me with respect? Is the person listening to me? Does he/she hear me? Does he/she see me for the deeper side of me? Is he/she willing to be open, communicate, and start a friendship based on mutual integrity, equal partnership, and honesty? Those are my important boundaries. Those are my non-negotiables. What I have learned is when I allow those boundaries to be crossed, I feel unfulfilled, used, depleted, unhappy, and sometimes betrayed. I ask myself when I meet someone new, when he/she leaves the room how do I feel? How does his/her energy affect my vibration? Pay attention to this intuition! Even animals use this instinct to know whether or not to run away or feel safe.
A conversation I had with a good friend and co-worker today reminded me of the way this karmic issue continues to show up in my life. We were talking about what to do in the work place when a peer isn’t following the rules, adhering to protocols, and being disrespectful. As I was listening to her concerns, I could tell that she was afraid to report the issues to management partly because of the fear to speak up, but as I listened closer…I could tell it went deeper than this. What I was hearing her say is “I feel bad if the person gets in trouble.” And there it was again… mirroring me right in the face. The self-sacrifice, the taking on of responsibility for choices that are not of our own doing, and the guilty conscience over our own happiness. The willingness to allow wrong-doers to continue with their bad behavior while we uproot ourselves, change jobs, move houses, and run away from the discomfort of standing up for ourselves and set boundaries.
Back in the day, I would rather sit quietly and keep the secret of abusive situations private rather than “make a scene” or “get anyone in trouble.” I am here today to tell you that is such CRAP. You and I have control over very few things in life which are activity, pace, and attitude. The choices that other people make are not our fault, nor are we responsible for the consequences that arise while standing up for the truth. I encouraged her to speak her truth. I supported her and told her I could hear what she was saying. Most importantly, I reminded my friend that her boundaries are vital. She deserves respect and dignity in the workplace and if that is not happening, she should feel safe speaking up.
I have found in American culture that women are taught to be quiet from a young age. We are taught to swallow our emotions so that we aren’t burdening anyone with them. When we become adults, this story stays with us. We choose the safety of being quiet and not becoming the squeaky wheel in order to be the subordinate, conforming human that the corporate world teaches us is best. Where does this get us?
I describe the ability to say “no” as an art because it takes courage sometimes. It takes bravery to go against the popular crowd, to speak the truth, and stick to boundaries that at times disappoint people. I encourage everyone reading this blog to take some time today or this week and make a list of core values. What is truly important to you as a human being, what brings you joy and fulfillment? Then, make a list of what your “deal breakers” are. What are the things or behaviors that really do not align with what brings you happiness? Those deal breakers are your boundaries. Anything crossing them should be absolute red flags and what you are no longer available for in this life because you do not feel good when they happen and they no longer contribute to your life in a positive way.
I finally got the courage to end things with that long distance guy after 6 months of dating. I had even allowed him into the personal space to meet some very close family members. Christmas Day, 2019 was the final straw. I was working a 24 hour shift as a critical care nurse and not only did this man scold me via a text message, but he broke my golden rule. My mother always taught me that no matter what, never go to bed angry, and never leave a situation upset. One can agree to disagree or say I am upset and we will talk about this later, but always end the scenario with love. The next minute, the next breath, the next day is never guaranteed. I went all of Christmas day working and did not hear one word from him since the angry text. He was mad at me because I was working and did not message him “Merry Christmas” in the time frame that he expected in order to feel acknowledged and validated. When I took the time to really see the situation for what it was, I could see very clearly that this is not the way someone who loves you treats you at all.
I worked the 24 hour shift and in the morning, I gathered enough energy to call him on the phone. I held my grandmother’s rosary beads in my hand to give me strength. I thanked him for all of the good times, and I ended the relationship with as much grace and dignity that I had left in my heart. I did not use insulting words. I did not hang up the phone without saying good-bye. I walked away and committed to my boundaries because I did not deserve to be spoken to in that way on Christmas or any other day. At the end of the day, it is up to us to decide who we want to allow into our precious space, who we want to block out of it, and if he/she deserves to be there. I promise you that being alone is far better off than being in relationships that do not serve you. After we broke up, I took the lessons, I let go of the anger, I offered forgiveness for my own heart and well-being, and I took more time to allow myself to fall in love with me. We cannot give what we do not have. Practice saying no to that which does not align with who you are, no matter where it shows up in your life. “No” is a perfectly valid answer, an empowering response that does not need to come with guilt, and a perfectly acceptable full and complete sentence.