Ever since I was a young child, I was unique, special, a dreamer, and full of imagination. When I was born, the nurses took me from hospital room to hospital room because they had never seen such chubby little cheeks! I have always been a force to be reckoned with. According to Collins English dictionary, the definition of “maverick” is: “(noun) in the sense of rebel; a person of independent or unorthodox views.” Well even in utero, I was a rebel. My parents were told I was a boy because of my strong heart beat….my dad was pretty sad to find out I was a girl. My dad wanted to name me “Brian Trottier” after the famous hockey player. I have always been the one that surprises the family and chooses adventure versus conventional.
When I was a little girl, all of my dolls had different names and voices that I gave them. They were all so real to me. I was ridiculed for “talking to myself.” My best friend growing up called me “Lizzy, the girl with a million accents.” I loved coming up with stories that my dolls would act out. My dad would tell me to remember to “talk like a big kid.” From a very early age, I can remember people trying to smother my playful side and remind me to “be more grown up,” follow the rules, and conform. But I did not listen. I lined up my stuffed animals and would give them speeches. I would wear my parents’ shoes and take on different roles depending on which shoe I was in. I embraced my youth. We did not have the internet then. We played outside until dark, we got dirty in the mud, and we built forts in the woods. I had a creative and carefree spirit that I have never fully outgrown.
Sometimes, I sit and try to remember the exact age when I lost that sense of imagination where I didn’t care what people thought. I just danced like no one was watching, laughed, and made up pretend scenarios where everything was fun and not complicated. I believed everything adults told me. I believed I could get sucked down the bathtub drain (thanks big sister!), the tooth fairy definitely existed, and Santa Claus was always watching. I guess it is probably sometime in the later part of grade school where I started to develop more self-awareness and feelings of guilt or shame if I talked too loud in school or wore a geeky outfit. Part of the human experience is of course wanting to fit in and be accepted, loved, wanted, and complimented.
So how do we break free from this involuntary learned story of having to conform to a very specific mold? What happens when we become adults and no longer feel fulfilled by the tribe we have been faking our way to be a part of? How do we learn to let go of what no longer serves us as we grow into the later chapters of our life? How do we break free from the monotony of a box that is all we have ever known with the fear of not being accepted looming over us? Well…. It’s part courage, part confidence, but mostly faith. Somehow we have to reach down into the depths and layers of the stories we have been told we need to conform to and find that playful little child again. Then, we either use that confidence…or borrow someone else’s temporarily to re-write our story. Those dreams we think are impossible are actually our biggest calling.
Let me give you a few more examples. When I was in the second grade, I was nominated to be in the state spelling bee. I had to practice spelling words such as “onomatopoeia” in front of the whole class while everyone stared at me. I remember feeling this enormous pressure to do well. When it came to being on the stage, secretly I purposefully misspelled the word “disappointed.” I spelled it with a double “S” because honestly, I didn’t want to be up on that stage as a second grader. It made me feel intimidated and scared to let my parents down if I actually didn’t know how to spell a word correctly. I have never told anyone that even to this day. The fear and the shame of disappointing (funny it was that word!) my teacher or my parents was overwhelming to me. I can remember it over 30 years later! I knew the bright stage light shining in my eyes was not worth the pain. Whether I spelled the words right or not, I knew my mom loved me. I knew I was good enough and the pressure involved competing for a cloth ribbon wasn’t worth the discomfort. So I set myself free of that burden, even as young as a second grader.
In high school, I was the only one who did not receive the Catholic sacrament of confirmation. I went to Catholic high school, but I told my mother I was not doing it because I did not believe in it. I could not in good faith do something that I did not have my heart into. I knew that most of my friends were doing it because they were being told they had to. I did not think that was enough. This did not go over well with my maternal grandmother who, even until older age, knew that one of the grandchildren did not receive confirmation. But I stood my ground. I would not do something simply because I was being forced. I knew if someone was to go through that much work to achieve a sacrament, he/she should have faith and conviction in what it all meant. Otherwise, it was a lie. Lying was wrong, and so was not being authentic.
In 2012, my partner of over 10 years and I decided we were going to end our 4-year marriage. This was a pivotal time in my life. I was devastated, embarrassed, sad, and felt like a failure for the first time in my life. I couldn’t fix it. I have never failed at anything in school or work. We tried therapy. We tried giving it time. We had simply outgrown each other. The relationship had an expiration date, and I couldn’t fight it any longer. It was one of the most traumatic growing pains in my adult life, but what I learned once again is, if it’s not authentic, it won’t last. We can’t play pretend anymore as adults and have it lead to a fulfilling relationship. I can remember one of the most fearful parts of the whole ordeal was having to tell my parents. I could barely say the word “divorce,” never mind admit to being the only one in the immediate family ending a marriage. Eventually, I chose setting him and I free to travel our destined paths over the fear of being alone, being labeled a failure, or the whispers I would hear at work. I stood up, brushed the mud off my skinned knees, and slowly began to rediscover the passion and fire that had dimmed inside of my heart as I had been unknowingly conforming to a life that I was “taught” was the way it “had” to be.
In American culture, we are told since we are little girls to be proper, mind our manners, talk like “a big kid,” and trade imagination in for high honors classes, sacraments we don’t necessarily believe in, and participate in relationships that sometimes no longer serve us. If we walk away from these boxes and step into our own authentic box, we become labeled as the black sheep of the family, the rebel, the one that breaks the mold. Well, I prefer calling it the maverick box. And I believe it is my mission on this earth to help women find their imagination, light, creativity, and playfulness again. I am here to shout from the roof tops that if you don’t want to be on a stage spelling words that mean nothing to you, then you can step down. I am here to tell you that if you don’t want to stay in that monotonous, robot-like routine, you are allowed to choose a different direction. You are still enough, amazing, and perfectly whole and awesome even for stepping into a new path that someone else disagrees with. Those dreams that people call you crazy for talking about, are your gifts and this is YOUR journey. We don’t always get to decide how it begins, but we definitely get to decide how it ends.
Since my divorce, I have bought and sold my own property in Boston, Massachusetts. I placed third in a body building (the Jay Cutler Classic) competition as a complete rookie underdog. I relocated single handedly to the Caribbean islands where I thrived as a nurse and survived two back to back category 5 hurricanes. I have travelled across the country solo where I discovered Nichren Buddhism. I have achieved certification as a flight neonatal/pediatric critical care nurse in North Carolina where I moved without knowing one single soul. I have made and lost friends. I have learned that “no” is a complete and full sentence. Essentially out of my crisis in divorce, I was given the rebirth of falling back in love with…myself.
I have learned that being in the maverick box is freaking awesome. People will make fun of you, talk about you, and criticize your choices when you step into your own truth…but heck, they are going to talk anyways whether you are aware of it or not. Your ride or die tribe will be there to support you. The others are peripheral chatter. Let go of all of the things, people, places, ideas, lies that hold you back and serve no purpose in your present chapter of life.
Life is not a dress rehearsal and you get one shot at it. So make it freaking amazing, adventurous, exciting, thrilling, and fulfilling. I am here to PROMISE you that it is perfectly ok to step outside of the normal and assigned box that you might feel trapped inside of. That feeling of being trapped is the universe nudging you. The nudge is a reminder that all things are possible and you are fully supported in all of your ideas, dreams, and wishes. There will be challenges and setbacks. That’s part of the fun because it teaches us to be problem solvers. You can create the life of your dreams, and anything you dream can be your reality with the right support.
Find your voice, discover your passion, check off the maverick box, and get in the driver’s seat of your own journey in this wonderful roller coaster thing called life. In the words of Dr. Seuss, “Why fit in when you were born to stand out? You’re off to great places! Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting, so get on your way.”